Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
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Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
This is my emotional support knife.
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.