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them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.