I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
You Might Also Like
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
I never know how much to tip a cow.
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.