I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
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man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
Seductively sings in Klingon.
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.