wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
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You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other