I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
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A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
screw you
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.