I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
You Might Also Like
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
Sharon I have some bad news
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.