Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
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Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!