[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
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The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z