Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
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If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.