I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
You Might Also Like
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
Perfect
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
plant them where lol
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?