I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
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Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins