I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
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Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.