Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
You Might Also Like
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”