being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
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Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
DOOO EEEET
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.