I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
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My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
Whoa 😂
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.