GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
You Might Also Like
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were