person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
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My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
I hope google does well on my son’s test
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!