Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
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Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.