Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
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As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
Tough love is true love
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.