I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
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Easy enough.
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
😍😂🥰😂😍
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts