@_steamy_mac: I get hit with a lot of folding chairs for someone that's not a professional wrestler.
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@man_spach: I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that - ugh hold on *covers phone* MOM I'M ON THE PHONE!
@Shot_Of_Cabo: She: Why don't we ever have sex anymore? Me: What's this "we" shit? I'm having plenty.
@JasonLastname: [sitting at bar next to cute woman] You remind me of my late wife. "Oh I'm so sorry." Don't be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
@SEvans_author: Boss: I'm sorry but you're fired Me: But I've poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work! Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%