[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
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Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!