i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
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Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
me, after any kind of buffet.
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza