I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
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ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?