I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
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[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
can’t catch a break
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
wut hotdog?
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.