My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
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Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.