“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
You Might Also Like
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit