@pseudo_fred: I get my hair cut twice a week. Mostly because I love capes.
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@ArfMeasures: OWNER: The museum's ready? ME: All the artichokes are in place OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts [I slam the door shut] ME: U cannot go in there
@lucascomedian: I am so sorry to hear about your grandma... I know what you're going through my phone dies all the time.
@Brianhopecomedy: My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.