@pseudo_fred: I get my hair cut twice a week. Mostly because I love capes.
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@AnkCoupleTO: [coming out of coma] Doc: You survived the heart attack Me: I'm going to eat right & get fit D: *shows me hospital bill* M: *pulls plug*
@Dani_Feld: I walked into a room full of men and they couldn't stop staring at me. Oh...wrong toilets.
@efasheefaa: That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp and kill a cat.