My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
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Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.