[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
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You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.