I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
You Might Also Like
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
Doormats are a gateway rug.
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?