I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
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Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?