@Pirate_nurse: I get the whole 3 meals a day thing but I'm confused about how many at night?
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@sheekaxo: Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
@GrantTanaka: Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she's on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
@Eightinchgoat: I have high blood pressure, but my dogs don't. So, from now on I'm only getting upset about squirrels and mailmen.
@sploosk: If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they're 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year