I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
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I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
mumsnet is amazing
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
A completely valid reaction tbh
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
Oh we’ve met.
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.