I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
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ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
I’d hang this in my house.