I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
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them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.