When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
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Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son