[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
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Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
Kermit goes Blue.
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.