*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
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My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.