i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
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CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
Oh my God.
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”