@iGreenMonk: I got a dog and named it "Twenty Miles". This way I can tell people that I walk twenty miles everyday.
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@murrman5: use this coupon for the pizza its expired whats the worst that could happen [calls wife 10min later] hello Im in something called pizza jail
@rolldiggity: Why crush your kid's imagination by telling them the Tooth Fairy "doesn't exist" when you can just have her leave a suicide note?
@david8hughes: [baby wakes up in the middle night] "Go back to sleep, hun. I'll sort it out." [puts baby on eBay]