Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
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People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
Twitter is an abusement park.
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.