I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
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I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.