yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
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Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger