I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
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I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.