I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
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What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that