My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
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My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.