I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
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My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*