I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
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Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?