Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
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My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker