Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
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Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
🤣
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
c’mon!
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997