My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
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For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
three things we don’t talk about
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic