“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
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watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.